I feel the realm between living and dead. I think many others believe there is a line firmly planted between Alive/here and Dead/there. It’s not like that for me anymore.
The other day a woman told me about her irresponsible alcoholic party girl sister. She would drive her drunk sister to every bar just to make sure her sister made it there and back. She said the one night she was not able to do this, her sister died in a car accident, hitting a tree. The fatal accident was not caused by alcohol but no one in the deceased’s life was surprised. However, the living sister explained how to this day she is still haunted by an extreme sense of guilt and responsibility.
When I heard this, I immediately felt her sister’s presence and the words “It’s okay, I’m okay! It wasn’t your fault. I don’t blame you. Don’t blame yourself.” I had never seen this woman before so I didn’t feel it was my place to tell her what I felt from this presence.
Here are less words to sum up my thoughts/feelings:
Tonight I held my dog’s face and cried wet tears into his black fur.
He licked my arm, unsure.
“Baby, I don’t want anything to happen to you. I hope you always have food, shelter, water, and people who love you.”
The tears came harder.
“I don’t know what’s going to happen to me, Buddy. But I don’t want anything bad to happen to you. I love you.”
Then I dipped in my hot bath full of Epsom salt.
Somehow- wow. After that bath, I feel like maybe I could last, God willing, much longer than what I think. Could I last 20-30 more years?
I don’t know if I ever will have a definitive length of time assigned to me. Will the doctors ever fully know what’s wrong with my body? Will I be “hit by a bus”
I don’t know. All I know is today.
All I have is today.
Working life 24-hours at a time is so mind-blowing for a control freak and future tripper like me. All I need to know is the next 24 hours.
My body is in a lot of pain. I feel like I’ve received many signals that perhaps I will shift to the other realm, but maybe those are red herrings. Maybe they are something else.
I wish I knew.
I’ll pray for willingness to accept my situation. Willingness… to let go and let god.
What will you pray for today, tonight, ever faithful reader?