The miracle happened

This is how the miracle happened for me.

I am broke. With creditors chasing me down.

I am single, still.

Things are not perfect with some of my dear loved ones. I cannot control their addictions or safety.

Thank God!

I start a new job next week. A new career! No more corporate bullshit. Bring it on, nonprofit world! I can’t wait to meet you (again). This time in a completely new capacity.

I am single and patient. I don’t feel desperate anymore. I don’t regret those one-night-stands, and I don’t miss those people who tried to make me feel “less than” so they could feel more.

I realized if I want these qualities of

my ideal partner…

    Respect
    Intelligence
    Health/Fitness
    Career
    Living independently
    Car
    Low debt
    Recovery (addiction, people, etc)
    Hobbies
    Heart and Passion
    Balanced work/life
    Humor

If I want those qualities in another human being as my Partner, I need to develop them, too! I need to be my own Partner. I must develop self-respect to attract a respectful person, plus I need to do respectable acts. I need to take care of my finances if I expect to find someone who is also budget-conscious.

Like attracts like

The more positive aspects of my life that I focus on growing–little by little!–the more beautiful my love for myself becomes. This love is the type that shines from a sunflower chasing the glow of the sun. Eventually the love for myself and my life brings into my world Someone who is my Soulmate.

Funny… just a few years ago I thought marriage was a crock and children were gremlins. Now I hope to find someone truly for the rest of my life, in monogamous marriage, and hopefully, to have a beautiful family together either by adoption or pregnancy. Wow!

What made the change for me? Please keep in mind I am very liberal, pansexual, open-minded sexual being.

Okay- here goes…

I think my Catholic friend summed it up perfectly:

“Fall in love with Jesus.”

This advice changed my life.

For those who are atheist- don’t go running. I’m not trying to convert you. This is simply my way of connecting with my Higher Power. So for you it might be, “Fall in love with Humanity” or “Fall in love with the Universe.” For me, “Fall in love with Jesus” made sense after I gave it some rejection and slow acceptance.

Ha, yes, typical alcoholic thinking.

Banish the thought!

Oh no… come back!

That might be a good idea!

I realized if I fell in love with my Higher Power, who I call God and Jesus- if I fall in love with Them it is like falling in love with Faith. Trusting a process so beyond my comprehension. Trusting my Higher Power could truly give me everything I’ve ever needed. As a daughter and girl. As a woman. As a lover. As a friend. Some day: as a wife, as a mother- God willing.

I simply had to look within my soul to see the boundless, infinite, eternal Love held there, flowing through me!

I feel it sometimes. Like a gentle sigh. A warm blanket on a cool Autumn night. The twinkling of thousands of stars reminding me of the vastness Out There Beyond, putting me in awe and in my place all in one glance.

God is always there to guide me.

God is always Here and Now to guide me.

I have been full of so much fear, hatred, anger, sadness. Physical and emotional pain. These feelings were necessary for my growth. They were not easy to process or feel. But I did. I kept at it, my sadness lessened every day.

Now…

I feel a great release! From my ex. From the court case, the defendant, the crime, the victim. From my alcoholics and addicts and dysfunctional family. I feel great love for all of these people too.

Thank you for the lessons you gave me.

I am happy. I too acknowledge this feeling is fleeting, and there will be tough days ahead. But after such a difficult 12 months I am so goddamn grateful to feel happy finally.

No strings attached.

No STDs, disappointing sex, confusing sexual/romantic relations.

No dependence on the outcome, because Fortune favors no one. It is random (to us) and can change at a flip of a finger.

If I won a million dollars tomorrow, would I be cocky, egotistical, biased, and an asshole? Would I change my character to fit the money in my bank account?

I hope not. I pray not.

Money is helpful for many material necessities that are required to function in modern society in this country (USA).

However, that is it. It will never buy happiness. I can never buy happiness. Did you know most super rich people who buy a super fancy car only experience joy or pleasure from that purchase for a very short amount of time?

When was the last time you bought yourself something that was so unnecessary, like a dope AF handbag, or pair of designer kicks? Did you feel super excited for a couple months or just a couple days?

My health is my wealth.

I shouldn’t be alive.

I’m so goddamned lucky to be alive.

Almost dead at birth. Almost dead so many times from my addictions. Could’ve killed myself from my mental illnesses or trauma from sexual assaults. So many opportunities to die, be killed, or who knows what other miseries similar.

Guess what. I’m here.

I made it this fucking far.

I’m proud of myself. 42 months clean and sober in 3 days. No sex for 3 months. No more dating. Not even flirting in texts with randoms. No dating apps or websites. Nada!

New job next week. My dog is doing great with our new Vet. I found a church I like. I love my friends and recovery family. Things are going great with my parents, my brother, and other people in my life I have struggled with in the past. I have made a lot of peace* and amends.

I’m busting my balls in recovery. (Proverbial balls. I don’t identify as a dude. Cis female reporting for duty!).

I’m out there living my life and grateful.

This is the season for gratitude.

Not for wanting more plastic shiny stuff. Not for the likes or comments. Not for the paycheck (but it does help pay for rent and necessities). Gratitude for the simple things because they are what make life profound.

Here is my gratitude list:

You. Thank you for reading, and cheering me since I started writing this. For my tantrums, my emotional outburst. My intense stare into my soul. Thank you for holding this space for me, stranger. I so appreciate you.

Good night friends, strangers, ex-lovers, and all those in-between.

*If any of my family members are reading this, I am sorry if anything I wrote in my blog offends you. It was not my intention to drag your name in mud or say anything of ill-will. Today I truly love all of my family members completely and unconditionally. I have achieved this current level of sanity through other recovery rooms designed for human relationships. I wish you all the very best always. Have a blessed day.. and remember, you can find this peace too.

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