Take a deep fucking dive

Let’s go right into it, shall we?

Today is Monday.

I am feeling grief, sadness, and anger about my relationship that ended last August. Yes, one year ago. For 10+ months I have had much bigger things to do than deal with him and our shit. I have tried to process some of it but I couldn’t. Not completely.

I processed with other men.

I went on a date with a woman.

I ate tons of fucking chocolate.

I felt used and borrowed by so many stupid wasted sexual experiences (wasted, as in what a waste of my time). I gave my purity away for such idiots. I gave my time away for such leeches.

And I let them.

There my ex is in my head. I can hear him act so innocent and polite.

What an angel. He’s the sweetest. Hope it lasts forever.

I’ve recently realized a big portion of my twenties was spent with someone who Did Not Deserve Me.

Yes, say again. I am pissed.

Today is Monday. I worked today for the first time in 3 months.

Today is Monday. On Friday they sentenced the violent man who tried to kill my neighbor to 2 years in prison.

Do I feel relieved? Yes.

But I stopped feeling relieved when I saw his face.

I was seated in the area where I could view his reaction as he received the awful sentence. He is young, in his early 20s. He was given poor legal advice because his church family probably forced him to be quiet and take it instead of admit to his wrongdoing. If he stays quiet then their names stay clean. They can have their reputations and doublewides and cheap sorrow.

He was the one who punched my friend so hard and so often that night she was unrecognizable. I have felt such rage toward him and then

The sentencing on Friday I saw his baby face. His puffy baby face

And I saw his face crumble when the judge read his ruling

The boy’s face crumbled

The victim was elated

I had tears in my eyes because I did not feel like anyone won

His life is forever changed

Forever changed

He is in a jail cell right now

Knowing that an ever worse cell awaits him

I pray he finds serenity and some sort of peace

I truly pray for him.

That was Friday. Today is Monday.

On Friday my best friend’s mom went to hospice at home. She is dying.

Today is Monday.

Last Sunday. Two Sundays ago. I got to visit this mother named Abigail* and wipe vomit from her mouth. The nurse saw what gentle care I was giving her patient.

“Are you a nurse?” The nurse asked softly in this loud hospital room.

“No, but I had a lot of sick relatives.”

Lies. I was the sick relative. I have always been the sick one or the sensitive one, especially in my 20s. Two hospitalizations, one medical, one psychological. I have been diagnosed a mile long list of things with twenty individual things I need to do for each to achieve health.

Today is Monday. I am the sick relative. I was able to impart gentle compassion last Sunday two Sundays ago because I am the sick relative.

Thank you.

I am disgruntled about a boy. I wish he would show me a sign of interest but I think, I fear, he is a pussy. No wonder I am bisexual. Bad joke.

I am not going to initiate things with him. He needs to initiate them with me.

Please find me. If you don’t, I won’t come back for your mixed signals.

Life is too short for bull. Life is too long for bad connections.

Maybe I feel sparks because he is shy and quiet yet very intelligent. Because he is inquisitive and funny in his quiet way. I thought I felt sparks. It’s hard to feel sparks when I’m the only one feeling them. I suppose the sparks will cool off. I don’t think he is interested. That’s okay. I’m not typical or normal enough.

For him.

But I am the perfect atypical abnormal weird joyous sober girl that my next partner will truly appreciate.

Today is Monday. I am grieving. I am exhausted. I worked. I’m not dating anyone and that’s okay. I love my dog. I love God.

Today is Monday and I am grateful to be alive despite the insanity in the world. I am grateful to be on this side of so many of my struggles.

Today is Monday.

2 thoughts on “Take a deep fucking dive

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