Let that shit go

Ego

Vanity

Disappointing sexual experiences with men

Expectations

Lost Causes

Shame, guilt

Let it all go. It’s a clearance sale on my baggage. Except I’ve already been consciously letting it go for years. This is a daily process.

Slow down. Take a deep breath from your belly.

Repeat: This Is A Daily Process.

Emphasis on Process. Revisit “Daily” tomorrow.

Everything, everyone, is a process. My memory of you is based on old information. You might still be an asshole alcoholic narcissistic wife beater. Or you might’ve actually had a come-to-Jesus moment where you rejected Jesus but found your sobriety and recovery (or some 100 variations on that sob story).

Point being, we are ALL in process. Literally, biologically, on a molecular level. Heading toward decay one day at a time. Heading toward health one healthy habit at a time.

At a time. That’s pretty much My Life lately.

I am grateful to be alive. I am full of gratitude that my Higher Power has me living This Life in this lifetime. I don’t think I have the energy for more. Yes, my health feels like it is deteriorating lately but I am determined to keep trudging forward. I don’t know how it will all work. I don’t Need to Know. All I need is to be honest with myself and others. I need to be open to the opportunities as they present themselves. And I need to be willing. In sobriety, I need to be willing to go to any lengths. Moving out of my last toxic living situation was an example of that.

Now I am looking for part-time work to help pay for my medical expenses. They want me to do so many things for my health yet they don’t explain how I am supposed to afford $110 acupuncture, $175 trauma therapist, all the supplements, all the literature, chiropractor, life. The time and energy required to implement the physical therapy at-home. The diet changes. It feels endless and mind boggling.

Then I have to remember:

This is a daily process. I only need to take it one day at a time.

I want to conquer the world. I want to wear a pantsuit and lead women in chanting. I desire strongly to give my dog the best care money can buy for his allergy sensitivities and help him be both happy and comfortable. I want to have enough money to keep affording where I am now, this beautiful room and yard. I want so many things, maybe even a person to cuddle with and stargaze. But do you know how hard it is to cuddle and stargaze these days? They would rather risk sexual disease and pregnancy than hold hands and contemplate the celestial beauty above.

I don’t get it. Full moon tonight.

Exhausted. Sore. Tired. In pain. Body tremors have significantly worsened in the last few weeks. Waiting on biopsy (yes, another one). Could be skin cancer, probably negative.

I don’t want to die. God is finally giving me an interesting plot to work with, and I want to see what happens.

You could be the most intelligent person in the world, Dear Reader. But God is smarter. He will outsmart you. He will change your plans. Your fortune. Your health. At the strike of a match, everything gone. God is funny, because he keeps us humble. My Higher Power is the smartest Power in the entire galaxy. He has a plan for me that is far beyond my comprehension.

If I get on my knees and pray…

If I open my heart to hear his words…

If I try to be intuitive instead of forceful..

Accepting instead of controlling

Loving instead of Angry

Imperfect instead of Perfectionist

Yet despite these chances to change, I am actually perfect as I am – in this moment. My Higher Power makes no mistakes. There is a reason I am in such physical anguish.

Maybe I am the voice for people who do not know how to ask for help. For those who grew up in families where being hurt or sick or mentally ill was shamed and ridiculed. I want to tell that person, “Get the help you need. You don’t need to live like that anymore. You are safe now. Please take care of yourself.”

It is difficult living with chronic illness. Everyone understands mental illness. For some reason they don’t understand I have a physical diagnosis that is also “lifelong and incurable,” like my bipolar, anxiety, and several other mental illnesses. My mental things have improved but it has taken literally years and dozens of professionals to help me help myself and help my brain level out. I imagine Fibromyalgia is similar except they understand it less. “They” being doctors. I can guarantee almost zero of my friends, except for those living with it, know what it is or what it is like. Which is okay!

I don’t even know how to explain to my friends what fibromyalgia is, yet.

“They say it is permanent chronic pain with multitudes of symptoms. I am hoping it isn’t permanent and there is a solution that doesn’t involve opiates.”

Please join me in healing, whatever that means to you. In your healing, my healing, in global healing for the cancers, heart diseases, and chronic conditions that so many live with.

Catch my drift or drift to sleep- I pray your pain is eased. White noise helps.

Peace and blessings.

*I say male pronouns for my Higher Power because that is what is comfortable to me today. Feel free to read them as you would like. I am Christian Buddhist.

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