Sick people have sex, too

Yesterday was too much. I actually feel sick from the last 3 days. How much I did. I think today I need to do as little as possible.

On Saturday I slept with someone I had backbreaking amazing sex with in March. His black body, sculpted muscles, the intensity of his eyes. I had to leave for a massage appointment but I did not want to leave. He hasn’t texted since this encounter, and if he plans to, it will be a while. I don’t expect him to- I think he is a “once every 2 months” amazing as fuck sex partner. But he still hasn’t made me orgasm. And I didn’t ask for it, because I save that for someone special. No one special yet since I broke up with my boyfriend last August. Orgasm really bonds me to my partner- I don’t want to be bonded to someone unless they are more than casual sex.

Sunday was Mother’s Day and that was intense as fuck for other reasons. I don’t want to talk too much about it. Let’s just say I went above and beyond. Too beyond. And I am not sure all my efforts were noticed. It’s an old trap I get into- “If only I give her this, give him (brother) that- if I do this, if I buy that… then maybe they won’t be dysfunctional. We won’t be dysfunctional.” There were some nice moments, though. It’s not black and white. But I was thoroughly exhausted.

Sunday night on Tinder I matched with a guy. Let’s call him Flynn. We had an intense “get to know you” then sexual conversation, and then I made him cum through sexting. I mean, I could’ve written 1000 shades of gray. Haha. So he and I definitely clicked.

The culmination of Saturday and Sunday really riled me up so I didn’t get to sleep until very late, like 3AM on Monday morning. I was in my shower with my vibrator having a solo time that was one for the books. Ooo!

On Monday I kissed a girl and I liked it. She and I have been talking for weeks and I really like our conversations. We had a sweet little date.

On Monday night Flynn and I met. It was delicious, fun, sudsy, hot, sweaty, wet. We talked, I listened. I didn’t say too much, I didn’t want to reveal myself, my life and struggles or victories. He doesn’t need to know- unless we hang out more. But my walls are up.

After he fucked me 3 times, I asked him to go down on me, which is the only way I orgasm. He then revealed he doesn’t like to go down on girls. This really pissed me off, mainly because I wanted to get off too and now I couldn’t. It wasn’t his fault- but we should’ve talked about this before we even had sex.

I feel so stupid. Don’t have unprotected sex. Do talk and negotiate desires and wants from a sexual encounter. We didn’t follow either of those. I truly felt immensely attracted to him- not like the other men from earlier this year- and my god- he felt so good inside of me.

I think it was the 3 hours of sleep I had gotten, and that I had been up since 6AM doing recovery work- because by the time we realized we probably weren’t sexually compatible, my energy dropped significantly.

Sometimes I forget I am chronically ill. I just want to be a girl in Cancun in her hometown having a good few days. My illness always catches up with me.

I don’t know what Flynn and I were talking about. I knew I was still upset about his machismo culture thing to not go down on women… So in my upset state of mind, thought it would be funny if I told him that I figured out his full name, and that I had found him on Facebook, and I tracked down his ex-girlfriend, our mutual friends, and a few other details.

He wasn’t amused. He was creeped out. I guess he doesn’t know I’m the granddaughter of a CIA station chief, or that having sex with strangers is dangerous. The more information I have, the less chance of unexpected bullshit (like active monogamous relationships, or very offensive political stances… stuff like that).

I am only human. I really like Flynn. His scent. His intelligence. The way his hands caress my body. The way he feels inside of me. I would stop seeing other partners to pursue things with him. He did say he could learn to go down on me, he wants to make me orgasm.

Back to why I am a part-time cyber stalker: I think my experience with the person who was almost murdered is another reason I am extra careful now with partners. Her situation was unique but violence against women, unfortunately, is too common. Reading his profile doesn’t mean I would know if he was planning on dragging me by my hair around my backyard and beating me up to the point of 5+ felony charges against him… but somehow reading his Facebook and seeing we had mutual friends in real life (I don’t have Facebook) made me feel safer going into his apartment for our first meeting.

Well dear readers. Now you know I am a very sexual person. “Sick people have sex too” — my favorite bumper sticker out there. *Sick referring to physical illness, not sick like Hannibal Lecter.

Baring my soul, not my teeth.

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