They could die soon. I don’t mean suicide. I’m talking about the symptoms that I have had and the lack of information from my doctors. I have no idea what’s going on with my body. I’m only 28 and I have the strangest notion I’m not going to make it to 30.
I feel like I could collapse at any moment from a mystery condition that none of the doctors from so many hospitals and backgrounds just couldn’t figure out.
This is how I feel, but this isn’t what I want.
I want a long life with children. I want to outlive my parents and I want to hold their hands before they die from natural causes.
I want to look into a man’s eyes and feel such deep love from him. The type of love that could span from here to eternity.
I want to hold my dog on his last breath and thank him for giving me such a wonderful 15 years (he’s 5 this year). I want to pet his soft floppy black ears one more time.
I want to be alive. I want to study psychology and earn a Masters in it. I want to make a feature length film that has a cult following. I want to continue my weight loss journey.
I want to keep finding God every day and dive deep with a congregation.
Yet I have this feeling that I won’t get to. That God might have other plans.
I am exhausted. I need to rest. I hate what happened to me on Friday, and I’m scared of what it means. But I am going to keep going. Even if it is scary and frightening. Even if it could mean no answers or lots more tests.
I know God is with me, and this carries my soul like Eva Cassidy’s voice right now.