2019 is already intense

Did you know living with dozens of painful symptoms can be confusing and overwhelming? That sometimes the only time you cry about it is with your new primary care doctor? That’s what I did today. I guess she didn’t realize asking “how’s your job?” would inspire sobs. Fucking fibromyalgia.

Anyway, I was there for acupuncture so she did her magic and even though the walls were thin, I got lost in my own little world and by the end of my appointment I was a (mostly) new woman.

Afterwards I had my in person interview. It went OK. Honestly, I didn’t feel like I did *my best*. I’m a perfectionist. I’m obsessive. I notice all the crooked pictures whenever I’m in a new home or place small enough to notice. So my best is probably impossible or extremely hard to attain even under perfect conditions. Today, mentally and physically, I was not having a great day at all.

I came home from a week away last night.

When I got home

The house was a mess. There was no food to eat in the fridge. If I asked about anything today it became raging fights. It was so stressful. I get why some people just jump bridges or shoot guns. It’s overwhelming. However, I’m lucky enough to have a survival instinct. Somehow despite how shitty it is or how I perceive it to be, it gets better and my will to survive lasts long enough for that miracle. After so many miracles, the suicidal impulses disappear.

Once in awhile I have dark thoughts. You should’ve seen me that week I was researching assisted suicide for fibromyalgia. Maybe I wrote about it somewhere here. Anyway, I don’t know how others live forever with incurable chronic pain diagnoses. Major props to you. To us. I’ve been living with chemical imbalances in my brain for many years but somehow this body pain shit is throwing me for a loop.

I wish all of us in that category could have some sort of vacation. A very pain free, stress free break from the physically painful and extremely stressful realities we occupy. I am beginning to think Heaven is it.

I think of Heaven as the sunset and sunrise. Those colors that catch you off guard and make you remember you’re not on autopilot and sometimes life is meant for savoring the temporary nature of existence. That maybe kissing, sweet touches, and loving smiles can fill the void that we so desperately try to escape.

With 4 legal matters pending, its time to chill the F out. Legal what?

1. Federal jury summons, 2. Testifying in criminal matter, 3. Unpaid wage claim hearing. 4. Counting down the days to whenever CEO gets to do real prison time (no direct involvement besides losing my livelihood. all I can do is watch from the sidelines).

I’m pretty sure I’m living with untreated trauma from the criminal matter. But whatever. I have therapy next week and I’m going to bed safe and sound tonight. Come at me stress dreams. Let’s cuddle. Or not. Come at me sinewy muscular men. Rub oil on my fatigued muscles and whisper incoherent gerbil nonsense in my dream state.

Good night. Be safe.

I will be taking the weekend to breathe. And get intentional. And unintentional.

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