Climb on

And then she woke up to luxurious gray clouds and drizzles of rain. She felt sure in her roots even though the winds were taking her far away from everything she had expected.

The winds planted her exactly where she needed to grow. To feel love from herself. And to maybe realize that some past relationships were actually illusions, mirages, snow blindness…

But she needed the physical and emotional distance to see more clearly. She couldn’t just know these things at the time. Some are so lucky. She is not. She gets wrapped up in what should be or what she wants it to be…

Instead of accepting it for what it is. Or who he is. Who they are.

It is not an easy process to accept. Sometimes she does a half ass version of acceptance. “I accept him…” and then she whispers subconsciously “as I want him to be.” Sometimes blind love is truly blind, but not in a good way. She now believes eyes-wide-open love is better, because then she would’ve seen him as he truly is. And if his trueness is not what she needs, then the problem is not them but her vision, my vision.

I will switch to first person because this is really about my coming out of a deep swim

And I imagine myself in a beautiful gigantic pool of water that has clear water yet underneath it is dark blue and slightly murky. I can see myself exactly at this point emerge from my submerged state to encounter this

realization, prodded by dear friends, that my last relationship was not anything I thought it was. In fact, I already know it wasn’t because my journal from those 3 years was very angry and depressed at him many times. I had a litany of things I would tell people about how amazing he was, but the truth was I had a journal with 200+ pages of how much I did not love him and how unhappy I was in that relationship.

But I had a hard time distinguishing fact from fiction. Was I the bad one? Did I deserve the way I was treated? I didn’t even ask the “deserve” question because for many years I believed I deserved that shitty ass treatment. I don’t need him, I don’t need his negativity or psychological bullshit (which he would probably claim he doesn’t do or isn’t aware of or “so sorry!”) but don’t fall for it.

Goddamn I feel so stupid. All of my friends are telling me they thought he was an asshole, that I deserved better, and that they are so glad we broke up. Haha oh do say more about the person I would’ve married in a heartbeat just to feel a warm embrace.

It’s sad and lonely to realize I don’t need him, and he was never really going to give me what I needed, because he is lost in his world. That is the nicest way to put it, but I’ve heard the words narcissistic, gaslighting and more to describe my ex. He always had a way of making it my fault. Or if he disappointed me in the bedroom (because I wanted a Lion and he was a squid) then it was my fault or he felt bad so then I felt bad. It was so stupid.

I’m so fucking glad I was the one who cracked the ice in our relationship. The thin ice of false perceptions and perfect Instagram photos and romantic Facebook statuses. I’m so fortunate I have such an amazing group of friends who can tell me what I need to hear now.

And while I am not broken in a thousand pieces, because in a way, I always knew our relationship was just a side street, not the main drive, I am sad for myself. No, not self-pity. I mean I am sad I fell for this, and that more girls will, and that not enough people are saying “watch out for these signs of a fucked up relationship.”

So to my ex, I hope you find your Hentai bitch and she shits all over your fame.

And that’s tame compared to what more I could say. and what your exes could say. I hope the next #MeToo movement focuses on gaslighting men.

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