I’ve tried

I’ve tried, and I’ve tried again. I’ve tried so much that my hands hurt from holding on to this notion of my life or family. And I now must turn it over to my higher power. But I will never give up.


Insanity

My life is in a temporary state of insanity because of the actions of our CEO. Lost our jobs. No final paycheck from hours we worked. If we are getting a paycheck it is greatly reduced. I have some ——– who don’t know how to research their own answers, which is also very frustrating.

My family is in a permanent state of dysfunction. The house I am staying in has been in a state of mess and chaos since we moved in over 15 years ago. My ——- usually comes and “rescues” her from her mess. She glorifies him for doing so much cleaning and yardwork. My east coast family have their own fucked up mess, although theirs is internal. No one dare see their mess, no one is allowed to, but their loved ones [myself included] get shat on for their psychological manipulation.

The last month has been *extremely* stressful. I mean join a group therapy level of stress. Get a new credit card to afford a shite ton therapy [haha JK, my credit doesn’t allow me to get a new credit card]. Losing my job was just the cherry on top. Moving back in with my Al Anon qualifier has been endlessly grating. Like a fork scraping on metal … the mess, the endless mess. The drama she attracts. I feel like I am watching an endless train wreck. She makes it seem so impossible when she gets upset, and then she minimizes 99% of my issues, or conveniently forgets where I am coming from [and if I remind her, oh boy, fuck it all to hell]. Nothing I do with her is enough. Then I give up and of course that isn’t enough, because it isn’t anything at all.

I need the gray zone… but I need a guide to get me there. My AA and Al Anon sponsors have basically disappeared. One keeps canceling and the other never called back after several attempts. Universe– I need new guides! But women who are actually available. Not false guides.

Run, Girl, Run!

If I had any money, I would load up my dog, my gas tank, and drive until we found a place to stop. Maybe go “camping” for awhile.

Of course driving into the sunset does not sit well with trauma groups or therapy. I need consistent care. Don’t forget about my physical illness, which I wish was terminal, because at least it would have an end date. [Yes, my brain is in a dark place. I don’t want to die. I want to get better, but what is frustrating is that my diagnosis is lifelong and incurable and anything I do will take time to improve it. And it could get worse for any reason even if I do 1000 things to improve my life… plus the major reason it gets worse is stress, which I have a huge fucking pile of right now].

If you wanted to know what hell on earth was, get yourself some Fibromyalgia.

Back to consistency–I need consistent care for my Fibromyalgia. I finally found a doctor who seems to care. But who knows, three visits from now they could say something really stupid and I’ll have to get rid of them. You don’t want to know how many doctors I’ve had to get rid of this year. Not that many, but at the rate I can get appointments and have to deal with them, it felt like a lot of time and wasted energy. I would meet with them, they would tell me about my symptoms, and most of what they said turned out to be bollocks, or even if I did get a proper diagnosis for some of the pain, subsequent doctors didn’t look in my fucking chart to see the whole thing. Thank you for forcing someone with fucking brain fog to track all of her symptoms, and doctors visits, and to be a better system than your…. COMPUTER?! Right.

SO much incompetence and ignorance with Fibromyalgia. I have to entrust my life care with these people, and I haven’t found one I truly trust. Yet.

In recovery we talk a lot about the negative side of Yet. Like in alcoholism, I haven’t had a DUI…. yet. But I just discovered a positive flip side to using Yet. What if, I haven’t found a doctor good for me… yet? The idea is that maybe there is hope out there.

This seems like a good exercise to “turn my [fucking] frown upside down.”

Here goes:

I haven’t met the perfect man for me… yet.

From what I have learned about positive affirmations, they are always saying to write things in the positive. I feel like I need to reword it…

Write a list and your life will turn the fuck around

I will meet the perfect person for me when God knows I am ready for them.*
My life will improve tomorrow under God’s love and care.
My bank account will increase to the amount I need to live and retire comfortably when I find a job perfect for my talent and passions.
I will have healthy and strong boundaries with my codependent, addict, and/or asshole friends/family right away. If the boundaries aren’t perfect, I won’t kick myself, and I will keep working on them every day.
I love myself as I am today, and I believe in my potential tomorrow. 
My goal weight is possible and I achieve it through exercise and healthy eating habits.

*Gender-neutral on purpose because I am open to love from more than one source of gender.

Okay. That’s enough truth. Good night my friends, strangers, and lurkers. I see you.

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